Forty-year-old Glont Lamont is a longtime employee of Fun 4-Life Corporation, where he gets paid good money to play videos games, watch TV, get drunk, get high, devour pizza, ride the company roller coaster, take long-ass naps, and toss off like a madman in an insane asylum. There’s only one problem: Glont’s sick of his job! Nowadays, all he really wants to do is work long, grueling shifts 7-days-a-week doing any sort of awful, backbreaking, tedious, demoralizing, soul-crushing, severely undercompensated labor.
But with Halloween just a few days away, Glont has more important things to worry about than his workplace woes. Namely, he must take his two “freak” nephews out reverse trick-or-treating, which is a form of annual ritualistic tribute whereby the cruel townspeople force his nephews to walk door-to-door on Halloween night to hand out candy to people instead of receiving candy themselves.
And this year, the last stop on the trio’s reverse trick-or-treating itinerary is Fallingwater—built on a natural waterfall, Frank Lloyd Wright’s world-famous architectural masterpiece is now closed to the public and allegedly haunted by an evil supernatural entity known as TERROR MANNEQUIN…
Is Winona Ryder Still with the Dude from Soul Asylum? and Other LURID Tales of TERROR and DOOM!!!
To entertain its new neighbors, a kind puppet puts Chicken McNuggets into tiny coffins and buries them in its yard. A famous pest control man is diagnosed with the “In the Air Tonight” disease, an incurable sickness that slowly turns its sufferers into the rapist referenced in Phil Collins’ hit song “In the Air Tonight.” Having just escaped TERROR TOWN, a man is opened up like a can of sardines by a can of sardines. The supposedly debunked but very real ghost caught on camera in the movie Three Men and a Baby exacts revenge on humanity for not believing in him. Though Courtney Cute is indeed the cutest child in the world, her evil doll and batshit-insane grandfather are anything but. A Ouija board grows bored of being a Ouija board. Two passengers (one human, one evil scarecrow) aboard the sinking RMS Titanic refuse to abandon ship because they’re too busy watching the blockbuster film Titanic on the actual Titanic…
These and many more ABSURDITIES await in Is Winona Ryder Still with the Dude from Soul Asylum? and Other LURID Tales of TERROR and DOOM!!!, the second collection of bizarro-whacko-absurdo short fiction from Douglas Hackle.
The Hottest Gay Man Ever Killed in a Shark Attack
Ever since he was a young orphan, Hansel Higginzshire’s dream has been to break the long-held Guinness World Record for hottest gay man ever killed in a shark attack.
Big Problem #1: Hansel is not hot. At least not in the classical sense. In fact, the deformed man has a head the size of a wrecking ball.
Big Problem #2: Hansel digs chicks, not dudes.
Still, that shouldn’t stop a big-headed mofo from dreaming big, no??
But if those obstacles weren’t enough to impede Hansel’s path to Guinness World Record greatness, he finds himself wanted for murder. Now on the lam, his situation pretty hopeless, Hansel agrees to die a horrible death in a snuff film for just few measly bucks.
But perhaps the misfit companions Hansel meets on his westward cross-country trek to Hollywood—Rosebud (the drunken, down-on-its-luck, former actor, and sentient sled from Citizen Kane); a living, talking amputated arm that once belonged to a famous rock drummer; and a geeky keytar player born with a small polar bear head instead of a human head—can convince Hansel to follow his dreams again and attempt to become . . .
THE HOTTEST GAY MAN EVER KILLED IN A SHARK ATTACK!!!
(By the way, yo mama is a character in this book. Yeah. For real. Sorry.)
Clown Tear Junkies
Everything is better when laced with the tears of a clown… When a sexually adventurous couple decides to spice things up by bringing bees into the mix, they learn it’s never wise to dial 811 in case of an emergency. A deadbeat dad gains employment as a lady-in-waiting in a fairytale bromance where every character looks exactly like someone else from John Carpenter’s The Thing. The unknowing victim of a cruel prank, a simpleton spends his entire life waiting on a park bench for the hottest girl in school. Using only his twenty-sided die and good old-fashioned D&D magic, a man must continually resurrect the neighborhood kid regularly murdered on his own front lawn. An aging slaughterhouse worker and the iconic figure from Edvard Munch’s The Scream hit the clubs every weekend in a vain attempt to get laid. These and many more absurdities await in Clown Tear Junkies, the debut collection from Douglas Hackle.